In Which No One Rides a Mechanical Bull
by Juliabohemian
Summary: Dialogue only crack fic: House, Cuddy, Foreman, Chase and Masters discuss riding a mechanical bull, or something. I don't know. No idea why I wrote this.


_I have no idea why I wrote this. Dialogue only. Scripted format, because there are more than two people talking. Yes, I will be updating my other story soon._

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**In Which No One Rides a Mechanical Bull**

**Chase:** "He's coming around."

**Foreman:** "It's about time."

**Masters:** "Should we remove the restraints?"

**Cuddy:** "Let's just leave them on for now."

**House:** "Ugh..."

**Cuddy:** "House?"

**House:** "Ugh..._God_..."

**Cuddy:** "Are you alright?"

**House:** "What the hell happened?"

**Cuddy:** "You don't remember?"

**House:** "I must have fallen off the mechanical bull at O'Leary's again. I told them a hundred times, if I stop breathing, the floor's usually wet enough. Just poke me with one of those heavy duty electrical cords and I'll be as good as new."

**Masters:** "That would be actually be feasible, under the right circumstances."

**Cuddy: **"Please don't tell him that."

**Masters:** "Sorry."

**House: **"Well Cuddy's here. That at least explains the leather restraints. Doesn't explain why the rest of you are here though. My group sex fantasies usually have more women than men."

**Cuddy:** "I'm...glad you're feeling better."

**House:** "Me too. I'd be even more glad if I could remember what it is that I'm feeling better _than_."

**Masters:** "We could probably get a copy of the police report."

**House:** "You _do_ know that you already got the job, right?"

**Masters:** "Right."

**House: **"So...you don't have to keep kissing anyone's ass."

**Chase:** "I think that's just her personality."

**Foreman:** "No, that's _your _personality._ She's_ actually trying to be helpful."

**Chase:** "You know...there was a time when I would have wasted several seconds trying to come up with a clever retort."

**Foreman:** "Man, you're pathetic."

**Chase:** "..."

**Foreman:** "See this?"

**Masters:** "What?"

**Foreman:** "_This_ is what you have to look forward to, if you keep working for House, just in case you were wondering."

**Masters:** "Loss of the will to exchange petty insults with my peers? I actually went through that in elementary school."

**Foreman:** "..."

**Chase:** "We're not your_ peers_."

**Masters:** "If you say so."

**House:** "That was beautiful."

**Masters:** "Thank you."

**Cuddy: **"Are you going to behave yourself now?"

**House:** "That depends. You got anything on underneath that coat?"

**Cuddy:** "I'll take that as a _no_."

**House: **"Hey now...if you take these off, I promise to lay off the mechanical bull...at least until my groin heals."

**Chase:** "He really doesn't remember anything."

**Foreman:** "We could have some fun with this."

**Master: **"Wouldn't that be unethical?"

**Chase:** "Who let her in here again?"

**Cuddy: **"That would be me, the person who signs her paycheck...and yours."

**House:** "So are you guys going to untie me or what?"

**Cuddy:** "I'm not sure yet. Let's give it another few minutes."

**House:** "You know, this would be a lot kinkier if these three weren't here."

**Cuddy:** "I'll bet."

**House:** "Especially her."

**Master:** "What about me?"

**House:** "Well your tender age aside, a person in your condition probably shouldn't over exert themselves."

**Masters: **"Just what condition do you think I'm in?"

**House:** "Judging by the palour of your skin, I'd say...post mortem."

**Masters:** "I beg your pardon?"

**House: **"Am I seriously the _only_ one in this room who thinks she's _really_ pale? I mean, excluding Foreman of course. He probably thinks everyone in this room is pale."

**Foreman:** "..."

**Masters:** "I'm just really fair skinned."

**House:** "What shade of foundation do you wear, _corpse_?"

**Masters:** "Well...my mother was Irish."

**House: **"Was she an Irish corpse?"

**Masters:** "..."

**House:** "You're probably not getting enough rest."

**Masters:** "I actually get nine hours of sleep every night."

**House: **"You should consider making it ten."

**Master:** "Uh...okay."

**House: **"And you'd better lay off the mechanical bull too...just to be on the safe side."

**Masters:** "That's…good advice."

**House: **"It _is_?"

**Masters:** "I mean…for anyone…who might at some point find themselves…riding a mechanical bull…which could just as easily be me. Anything's possible, right?"

**House:** "You know how there are people who find honesty refreshing?"

**Masters:** "Yes."

**House:** "I'm not one of them."

**Masters: **"I...knew that already."

**House:** "Yes, you did. And yet here we are."

**Masters:** "..."

**House:** "Go ahead and take the rest of the day off, get some sleep."

**Masters:** "That's...really not necessary."

**House: **"Hey, I'll decide what's necessary around here."

**Cuddy:** "Actually..."

**House:** "Oh hell...better safe than sorry. Take tomorrow off too."

**Chase:** "_What?"_

**Cuddy:** "House, she's fine. There's nothing wrong with her. _You_, on the other hand..."

**House:** "Are you blind, woman?"

**Chase:** "It's probably just the fluorescent lighting. It makes everyone look pale."

**House:** "It's not the lighting. She's obviously unwell."

**Masters:** "But I _feel _fine."

**House:** "That's often the first symptom of a lot of deadly conditions."

**Chase: **"Do you have any idea how many conditions have _pale skin_ as a symptom?"

**House:** "Well I think we can probably rule out albinism...at least until we can get a DNA test."

**Foreman:** "Could be Raynaud's phenomenon."

**House: **"That's the spirit."

**Chase:** "No...she'd be cyanotic."

**Foreman:** "Pulmonary edema?"

**Masters: **"I'm_ not_ sick."

**House:** "But you don't _know_ that."

**Masters:** "I feel fine...really."

**Cuddy:** "She's not sick, House."

**House:** "But she _could _be."

**Cuddy:** "This is insane. You're hardly in any position to be..."

**House: **"At least let us finish the differential. I don't want this woman's death on my conscience."

**Cuddy:** "She's not dying!"

**Foreman:** "You have a conscience?"

**Masters:** "You know, this kind of reminds me of this episode of _Then Came Bronson_..."

**House:** "Hold it."

**Masters:** "What?"

**House:** "There's _no_ way you're old enough to remember that show."

**Masters:** "My grandmother had the entire series on VHS."

**Foreman:** "Well I must not be old enough to remember it either. Because I've never heard of it."

**House:** "Come on Foreman...Michael Parks, travels the countryside on his Harley, looking for kids to pull out of wells and kittens to rescue from trees? It's a classic."

**Foreman:** "Drawing a blank."

**House:** "Chase?"

**Chase: **"Don't look at me. I don't even own a television."

**Masters:** "You're kidding."

**Chase:** "I have no need for one."

**Masters:** "You mean because you're always here?"

**Chase:** "No...because I have no need for entertainment. Think about it you guys…if I wanted to watch cable, I'd have to pay someone else. If I watch House screw around all day, someone else pays _me_."

**Cuddy:** "I'll definitely be taking that into consideration at your next employee performance meeting."

**Chase: **"Right...like people are just _standing_ in line to take my place."

**Cuddy:** "..."

**Foreman:** "You're an idiot."

**Chase:** "Why, because I don't own a television?"

**Foreman:** "No...because you were _almost _out of here."

**Chase:** "What the hell are you talking about?"

**Foreman:** "You're here by choice, you moron. You didn't have to come back. But you did. Me…I never had a chance._ She_ sure as hell doesn't But_ you_…you could have made it."

**Chase:** "I was tired of washing my hands."

**Foreman: **"Seriously?"

**Chase:** "And listening to myself breathe from inside a surgical mask. I swear to God it was like this long, uninterupted, obscene phone call."

**Masters:** I had this cousin with OCD…washed his hands like twenty times a day. His skin actually bled. He ended up taking medication for it. Not for his skin. I mean that he took medication for the OCD."

**Chase:** "Wow...thanks for sharing."

**Masters: **"No problem."

**House:** "Hey...I thought I told you to get out of here."

**Masters:** "..."

**Chase:** "Why does she get time off? Just for being pale? Am I being punished for my naturally bronze complexion? Where does that leave Foreman?"

**Foreman:** "Yeah...if anyone needs time off, it's Chase. He's boned like ten women this week alone. He's probably exhausted."

**House:** "Then he should definitely stay off the mechanical bull."

**Chase: **"It was actually nine."

**Foreman:** "Whatever."

**Master:** "You had sexual intercourse with nine women in one week?"

**Chase:** "Yeah...but one was a threesome. So technically that's only eight…or eight and a half."

**Foreman:** "How do you sleep with half a person?"

**House: **"Ask Taub's ex-wife. She used to do it every night."

**Masters:** "That was actually pretty funny."

**House:** "Thank you."

**Cuddy:** "Don't encourage him."

**Masters: **"Sorry."

**Chase: **"It'd be funnier if Taub were here."

**House:** "Even funnier if Taub's _ex-__wife _were here."

**Chase:** "We could probably call her."

**Foreman:** "I've got Taub's old home number on my cell phone."

**Cuddy:** "Hello! _Nobody_ is calling Taub's ex-wife."

**House:** "God, you're such a wet blanket."

**Masters:** "Maybe I should just go."

**Cuddy:** "No, you'll stay."

**Masters:** "Uh...okay."

**Cuddy:** "The list of employees in this hospital who he's managed _not_ to alienate currently has eight people on it."

**Masters: **"That's...more than I would have suspected."

**Cuddy:** "Well...if you want to be number nine, you can monitor him for the rest of the afternoon."

**Masters:** "If it helps, I'm not the least bit attracted to him."

**Cuddy: **"Remember what House said about finding honesty refreshing?"

**Masters:** "Right."

**Cuddy: **"If you two aren't too busy, you can go hunt down Taub and make sure he hasn't killed your patient."

**Foreman:** "I'm already on it."

**Chase: **"We have a patient?"

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_Then Came Bronson was an hour long drama that ran on NBC from 1969-1970_


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